Palpable Darkness
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” 12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you." Ps 139:11-12
I pulled in the driveway and killed the ignition. It was dark, it was cold. My heart felt as if it was going to explode within my chest. I grabbed the steering wheel and slowly began to take a few deep breaths. Inside, my beautiful family was waiting on me to eat dinner - they had no idea. But there I sat, alone in the dark - scared and shaken.
For those that have never had to wrestle with anxiety or panic attacks, it's difficult to describe the nightmare that it can become. Nothing was 'wrong.' I wasn't worried about anything specific. Yet, my body was full throttle on the fight-or-flight response - rapid breathing, racing heart, sweaty palms, dizziness, confusion. To be overwhelmed with an impending sense of terror (with no discernable reason) can be debilitating. I have never been suicidal, but that particular winter, I had the passing thought that I could understand why people would want to take their lives - and it scared me to death.
Twice in my life I have had a major bout of anxiety. Both times, the Lord brought me through by showing me the riches of his Word and his sustaining grace. Ps 139 became life to me - This cannot be overstated. I discovered that in my darkness, the Lord still sees clear as day. Darkness had utterly overtaken me for a season, yet the Lord was just as good, just as faithful, and just as loving as he had ever been. It was in the darkness that I learned that he could be trusted to uphold me as I took one small, unsteady step at a time. He sees when we are blind. The darkness may terrify us, but it doesn't hinder him in the least bit.
This might sound strange, but in some ways I'm thankful for my anxiety. The Lord's power and love was made so real to me during those seasons of palpable darkness. I could not see, yet I was sure that he was with me. Those moments have become insanely precious to me as I remember his covenantal faithfulness, his steadfast love, and unending mercy.
Beloved, should you ever find yourself in the midst of a deep, foreboding darkness, please know that the lights will never be shut out on the Lord. He sees. He knows. He's there. What may be the darkest moment of your life could very well become one of the most treasured moments. Hear the words of William Cowper (1731-1800) (who also struggled with anxiety):
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
the clouds ye so much dread
are big with mercy and shall break
in blessings on your head.
May the darkness lift, the light shine through, and your joy return -
Pastor Matthew
PS - If anxiety is something you've struggled with, I highly recommend this book from Pierce Taylor Hibbs. It is far and above the best book that I've read on the subject.
I pulled in the driveway and killed the ignition. It was dark, it was cold. My heart felt as if it was going to explode within my chest. I grabbed the steering wheel and slowly began to take a few deep breaths. Inside, my beautiful family was waiting on me to eat dinner - they had no idea. But there I sat, alone in the dark - scared and shaken.
For those that have never had to wrestle with anxiety or panic attacks, it's difficult to describe the nightmare that it can become. Nothing was 'wrong.' I wasn't worried about anything specific. Yet, my body was full throttle on the fight-or-flight response - rapid breathing, racing heart, sweaty palms, dizziness, confusion. To be overwhelmed with an impending sense of terror (with no discernable reason) can be debilitating. I have never been suicidal, but that particular winter, I had the passing thought that I could understand why people would want to take their lives - and it scared me to death.
Twice in my life I have had a major bout of anxiety. Both times, the Lord brought me through by showing me the riches of his Word and his sustaining grace. Ps 139 became life to me - This cannot be overstated. I discovered that in my darkness, the Lord still sees clear as day. Darkness had utterly overtaken me for a season, yet the Lord was just as good, just as faithful, and just as loving as he had ever been. It was in the darkness that I learned that he could be trusted to uphold me as I took one small, unsteady step at a time. He sees when we are blind. The darkness may terrify us, but it doesn't hinder him in the least bit.
This might sound strange, but in some ways I'm thankful for my anxiety. The Lord's power and love was made so real to me during those seasons of palpable darkness. I could not see, yet I was sure that he was with me. Those moments have become insanely precious to me as I remember his covenantal faithfulness, his steadfast love, and unending mercy.
Beloved, should you ever find yourself in the midst of a deep, foreboding darkness, please know that the lights will never be shut out on the Lord. He sees. He knows. He's there. What may be the darkest moment of your life could very well become one of the most treasured moments. Hear the words of William Cowper (1731-1800) (who also struggled with anxiety):
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
the clouds ye so much dread
are big with mercy and shall break
in blessings on your head.
May the darkness lift, the light shine through, and your joy return -
Pastor Matthew
PS - If anxiety is something you've struggled with, I highly recommend this book from Pierce Taylor Hibbs. It is far and above the best book that I've read on the subject.
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